In psychology, counseling, and coaching, there is a phenomenon called countertransference. In a coach-client relationship, countertransference represents the client’s influence on the coach’s unconscious feelings; whereby the coach may project past feelings and wishes on to the client.
There seem to be two schools of thought regarding countertransference in the coaching and counseling professions. The more traditional view is for the practitioner to be objective, controlled, and unemotional. Countertransference is seen as a weakness and a fault for the practitioner. In fact, Freud himself believed that the analyst experiencing countertransference should rid himself of these feelings by having further analysis himself.
A more progressive philosophy acknowledges the importance of human connection in practice. In fact, studies have shown that the most important factor in practice isn’t a particular style or mode; the greatest impact on success in coaching and counseling settings is the connection the client has with the practitioner. Factors that provide the greatest support and motivation to clients are the feelings of being heard and understood, a sense of connection and empathy, and an accepting, non-judgmental environment.
In my view, the coach-client relationship is not unlike most good relationships. We are both human, with unique characteristics and tastes. For this relationship to be successful, there needs to be mutual respect and honesty. We need to feel safe being honest with each other, because that’s where and how you are going to find out who the authentic you is. That’s what I hope to help you find. I figure, if you were already communicating with your authentic self, you wouldn’t feel something missing, or something nagging at you in your current life.
Regarding countertransference—guess which side I’m on. I’m human, and I’ve got feelings. I can’t deny it, and I think pretending that I am without feelings would break our contract of authenticity. What I do offer is an awareness that some things can trigger personal feelings in me. They may have nothing to do with you, the client.
I have a friend—her older relative died recently after suffering with Alzheimer’s Disease. As she talked about visiting the relative in the facility, and in the Comfort Care Room at the end, I was transported to my own father’s bedside. I could hear his haggard breathing, smell his sweat and scent which lingered on his blankets and pillow. I could still see the light and shadows of the room, his eyes closed, and me wishing him comfort.
It moves me. A lot. I miss my dad. But, I can empathize with some of what my friend feels. I can understand feeling adrift, not sure where or how to reach out for stability. Loss, anger, sadness, emptiness. I can tell her I understand. I can tell her that she will feel better. A little. In time.
I can tell her that she’ll never stop missing him.
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