Greetings, Great Spirit! It’ still dark, before sunrise; but today is predicted to be a true Winter day – single digit temperature most of the day, wind chill below zero.
I love the raw and direct feeling of the cold. When I am able, I enjoy getting out for a walk, hike, or snowshoe in crisp conditions. Preparation and proper gear is essential. Knowing my abilities, and listening to my body, is also critically important.
There’s a real satisfaction for me in getting out in extreme conditions. I enjoy the test of my knowledge and abilities, the solitude that often accompanies those conditions, and the unique change I recognize in the landscape, which makes my surroundings feel new and foreign.
There’s a lesson that I recognize within this. I am a person who enjoys challenge. Who will choose, at times to push myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. I appreciate taking on mental puzzles and physical tests. Going for a run in ninety degree weather or snowshoeing in zero degrees and a snowstorm.
What I have also been learning about myself in the last few years is how critically concerned I am about my success. See, it’s not just about challenging myself. I began to see this unspoken rule, that “Failure is not an option!”
For a long time, I had lost the thrill in just being challenged. Success was necessary; so challenges had to be chosen more carefully.
Mind you, this wasn’t conscious. It’s only in retrospect that I’m seeing this pattern of behavior.
I have a childhood and lifetime of success being rewarded and recognized. Good grades, being quicker with answers than other students; working harder and longer than other employees, trying to show more dedication and stronger work ethic; more financially stable, more gadgets and outdoor gear. Even more calm, mindfulness, centeredness – dare I say, more enlightened?
Did you notice the shift? How quickly how I see myself and feel about my success revolves around comparison with others. I’m not sure how normal that is, but I have been studying the effect it has had on me personally.
(Uggh! My writing is getting slow and sticky – I’m thinking too much. I’m going to try and shift.)
Ray: Creator, what are you trying to tell me?
Creator: The more you put your value in success, and comparison, the less you do.
R: Umm, how’s that?
C: Because, from a defensive and fear-based mindset, you’d rather not try than try and possibly fail.
R: Well, I can see where that’s kind of true. But, really, what fun is it to do something if you think you’re going to fail?
C: Well, you’re combining a couple separate ideas together, and creating a strategy of defense, based on fear. Let me try to untangle them.
If I may, let’s start with “thinking you’re going to fail.” What about finding the space to wonder, “What if I don’t fail?” You were just talking about the fun of challenge, the excitement. That doesn’t come with guarantee. That comes with risk. And, real risk means sometimes failing. And, through, failing, not success, you learn how resilient and strong you are. That is what truly serves you, fills your parachute.
You mention fun – picture the surfer, surfing different waves. Sure, it’s fun riding the big wave all the way in. But, it can be as fun trying and falling, then trying again. How different it becomes if he only attempts to ride waves he knows he can ride. Eventually, he’s trying to ride fewer and fewer waves.
Really, these are all just metaphors for Life. You can look at Life as the ultimate Fail – you will die and have to cash it all in. So, you could wonder, “Why try at all?”
Or, you can get out and surf all the waves you can!
So, there’s some of the way I remind myself to risk; to try; to put myself out there. What if it goes right?
I’ve learned I feel more comfortable using the word satisfaction rather than success. How satisfied does trying this or doing that make me feel? It has helped me shift my thinking, and unshackle myself from my fear of failure, shame, and judgment.
Keep surfing! Thanks, Great Spirit!
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