I want to share the truth about my journey. It’s still hard at times, and I’m not where I thought or hoped I would be by now. Some days, I feel close, and other days it still feels far, far away.
Sometimes, I’m sad and miss my mom, or I just feel too low, and it feels too hard to force the effort. But, honestly, sometimes I know I engage those emotions rather than be brave. Sometimes, I’m worn down, physically, mentally, or emotionally, and I choose not to force myself onward until I rest and recuperate. But, sometimes I hide behind that, rather than be brave.
What I find can be helpful is looking back, remembering the truth of where I started.
It reminds me of my drinking. I remember how much effort and energy I deflected and redirected toward my drinking and because of my drinking, rather than looking at myself to assess and accept where I was, and then taking brave and vulnerable action toward change, healing, and wellness. There were times when I was emotionally low and overwhelmed, and I didn’t have better coping strategies than to isolate myself and numb out.
But, there were times when I selected to retreat, because daring to take positive, vulnerable action seemed too daunting. I believed that it was easier and safer to retreat. I didn’t believe I was strong enough or consistent enough to change. I saw myself as imperfect and therefore rotten, making me unworthy of change. I believed I was bad, and so that meant my healing and happiness was impossible; a fool’s errand. Better to direct my energy and efforts to hiding my imperfections and vulnerabilities. And, so, the shame cycle perpetuated—hiding, numbing, heartbreak, and shame.
I believed this was the only way. I look now, and consider that this was likely, somehow, the belief I developed as a kid. And, while I’m curious how that development happened, what has helped my healing hasn’t been the looking back; but, instead, looking forward.
I came into contact with other belief systems and philosophies: especially profound were Buddhism, Taoism, and Zen, and the practices of meditation and mindfulness. I was introduced to the idea that we are not our thoughts. That we have the power to choose what we believe, and that we can work our thoughts and retrain our brain and belief system. I’ve learned that my mind is just one part of my wisdom and knowing; and that my body, heart, energy, and spirit are all compasses informing me and indicating my True North.
I’ve learned about the Middle Path and loving-compassion; that the goal or ideal isn’t to be perfect—we are human, after all. The true goal is to perfect our love, to borrow from Jack Kornfield. I feel this truth in my Whole Wisdom; in my bones—that Love flows from the Divine to each of us, and between us, one to another.
This is what has restored me.
#wizardawakens #yourdivinepractice #lovingcompassion #soberashell #WholeWisdom #TrueNorth
Recent Comments