Love, and Other Relationships
As a life coach, I’ve had occasion to work with different clients at key phases along the path of love relationships: Clients who were considering divorce and clients who were in the midst of divorce. Folks who were single and looking for love, and folks who were dating but not really sure what they wanted or if this might be the one. Even clients who had been through it all and had their hearts broken, but were now ready to try again, to discover what the Universe might have in store for them. On this Valentine’s Day, I offer you my Top 5 Love Lessons of 2022, things I’ve learned while working with my clients.
#1—You’ve got to love (and like) yourself.
I bet you’ve heard this a million times before. But it doesn’t make it any less true. Healthy, enduring relationships require that you know yourself, understand yourself, and like yourself. This requires you to do your own internal work. If you haven’t been willing to put in the effort to know and love yourself, it sure is a lot to ask to want someone else to do it.
Let’s face it—if you’re struggling to like yourself, you’ll likely end up putting all the pressure on the other person to continually validate and value you. And, even when they do, you will still tend to doubt them, and then even begin to see them as flawed for seeing something worthwhile in you when you can’t see it in yourself.
Another big reason a relationship won’t last when you’re struggling to love yourself is because when you are so wrapped up in your own internal struggle for acceptance, validation, and worth, you rarely if ever give generous, loving attention to your partner. When you’re living from a place of doubt and struggle, you will constantly center everything around you, which will prevent you from giving to your partner, or even being aware of what they might need. A loving relationship requires a balance of giving as well as receiving.
#2—Not complete or compete; complement and compliment.
Most of us received a certain message from books, movies, and television as we grew up: “You complete me.” Especially centered around men being “made whole” by coupling with the right woman.
The problem here is similar to #1; both partners (and an entire society) believe that a man can and will be a hot mess, and a “good” woman will “fix” him. Believing this kept me from doing my own work for a damn long time, and also kept me repeating unhealthy cycles in my relationships.
Look—it’s okay to have baggage and wounds; all of us do. But you’ve got to do your own work!
Likewise, competing with your partner about who is doing better or earning more, or who has harder struggles, isn’t healthy. Neither is vying for more sympathy or attention. If you find yourself keeping score of how many times each of you is right or wrong, you might consider what the cost will be to have an eventual winner and loser in your relationship. I go back again to the goal of balancing the giving and receiving in the relationship.
Rather than looking for someone who completes you or needs to be made whole, couples who complement each other will tend to have healthier relationships. When you are doing your own internal work and bring awareness and a sense of your own fullness, you are then able to bring your best self to the relationship. From there, your spirit is liberated and light enough that it can freely join and soar with your partner’s.
And compliments. Be willing and able to compliment your partner freely and authentically. By expressing gratitude, appreciation, and wonder at all that they are and all that they bring to your relationship, you will affirm that you see and appreciate them, and you will remind yourself of your good fortune.
#3—It’s the small stuff.
While some people enjoy making grand gestures, and some folks enjoy being the beneficiary of those gestures, more often I see love renewed and reignited in the small stuff. Putting down your phone to listen to your partner and to give them your full attention. Making time for a walk or a meal together. Doing a chore or task, not because they asked you or you felt guilty, but because you choose to as an act of loving service.
It is the small kindnesses, continually, that keep love full. Displays of respect and awareness for your partner. Demonstrations of gratitude and appreciation. The small stuff truly is the big stuff.
#4—Continual renewal.
With clients who were going through divorce, one thing I heard often was, “But I took a vow.” The feeling that has stuck with me about that notion of The Vow on a wedding day is that the love relationship isn’t something that’s one-and-done. We can’t put our attention to the relationship on auto-pilot and expect it not to wind up off-course and possibly crashing into a mountain at some point.
I have a radical alternative approach. I think we need to be willing to regularly question our relationship; to wonder how healthy it is; to ask if it is everything we want and need.
For me, I need to be courageous enough to ask myself and my partner—“Does this still work for you?”
Is that scary? Sure.
But, when I dare to ask the question, I’ve found that we release an incredible energy of freedom in recognizing our power to choose each other and our relationship, again and again, instead of feeling trapped by the commitment of a vow spoken long ago. When we continue to consider this question, again and again, and we still say yes, we rekindle and renew the spark of love between us. I have found this essential.
And consider the other side of things. For my clients who were navigating divorce, their fear over asking this question of themselves and their partner never prevented their breakup; it simply prolonged their suffering.
#5—Communicate.
This is another love tip that we hear all the time. Because it is so necessary. We need to share with our partner, and to listen when they share. This can certainly feel uncomfortable and vulnerable at times. But it is when we don’t discuss the uncomfortable and vulnerable things that they fester and grow.
Communication is a skill that can be practiced, and we should. Talk about little things, about little discomforts. Build the ability to communicate before there is a crisis. In fact, discussing these five lessons can be a great starting place.
Also, be realistic. You won’t always be in the same space as your partner. You won’t always agree. This is actually a beautiful thing. Embrace it. Stay curious and respectful. This is you and your partner bringing your whole selves to bare, and to share, with each other.
Conclusion.
These are just my tips. Obviously, there is a lot going on in any and every relationship, and these tips won’t address every issue. But they can be a great starting point, and I invite you to have fun sharing them with your partner.
Also.
Dear Reader, thank you for being here. I would love for you to comment and let me know which tip resonates the most with you, or if you have a lesson you would share. Also, please share this post with a friend in love or searching for love. And I would love for you to subscribe to receive future posts.
Blessings!
Recent Comments