One of the remarkable things that happens in my coaching practice is to see a theme emerge from multiple conversations. The “life is a wonderful mystery” part of me sees this as a nudge from the Universe. Another side of me, though, recognizes this as the reminder that patterns emerge because so many of us are going through similar situations, and we therefore experience similar reactions to the things that are happening in our world.
Either way, when a theme shows up, I’ve learned that sharing these insights and focusing light on them benefits me and the folks I’m talking with. Undoubtedly, there is something to notice and consider, and often invites a change in course.
This week I’ve had a few conversations where people have expressed the value of having a place to be heard and freely express themselves, safely and without judgment.
In general, people seem to understand this. They see where having a place for someone to vent their feelings and frustrations, or to work on the things that are troubling them by talking them out without interruption, judgment, or direction, would be really helpful.
Why then are these same people often reluctant to get this kind of support for themselves through coaching or similar means? Asked another way—what keeps you from asking for help?
What I often hear, and this week’s conversations have offered, are a few different reasons.
The first is the feeling of vulnerability. Most of us have been taught to not show weakness, because weakness makes us vulnerable and unsafe. Opening up about our struggles can feel dangerous. For some, it may even have proven dangerous in your past. But to not open up and deal with your struggles too often means the struggles continue. And often worsen. The alternative, of finding a safe environment where you can face your struggles and work on them, creates the possibility of lessening those struggles.
Another is the belief that asking for help confirms that we alone are not enough to change things: not good enough, strong enough, smart enough, or worthy enough. Mind you, this doesn’t address the real issue that you are, in fact, struggling. This strategy is just about not admitting your struggle to anyone else. I’ve said it before: It takes a lot more strength and courage to ask for help than to suffer in silence.
A third reason is the belief that things will never change. The fact is, there are things around us that are changing all the time. People change, seasons change, the weather changes. When we choose to anchor ourselves to the belief that a situation can’t and won’t change, we are often the biggest factor keeping things in a state that isn’t working for us.
The last reason I’ll talk about today is the belief that we don’t deserve something better. I know folks who are afraid to express (even to themselves) their wish for something better, because they’ve decided (or been told) that if their wish doesn’t come true, it proves that they weren’t worthy. That can be one of the scariest things to risk—a confirmation that we truly are not worthy.
Probably not surprising to you, but I see this as faulty thinking. I believe whether our dreams are realized or not says nothing about our worthiness. I believe we are born worthy, and our worthiness remains throughout our life.
What our dreams do is create motivation and activate our potential to expand and grow. If we never dream, we never stretch and grow. When we move toward a dream, it begins a journey. Each step then offers other choices, so that we may inevitably change directions away from the original goal, but we continue to move toward something better. This is what is meant about the importance being the journey and not the destination.
If this message speaks to you, and you are ready to work with me and create a place to be you, check out my Programs Page.
If you know someone you think could benefit from this message, please share it with them.
And if you have more questions about my coaching and how it can help you, sign up for a free Strategy Session.
Until Next Time,
Ray
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