I describe part of the Men’s Work we are doing at Sunrise Journeys as Rewriting Masculinity. So, I wanted to take a moment to talk about what that means and, more importantly, why it matters.
Most of us have been programmed with a clear and rigid definition of masculinity. For example, if I asked you to make a list of desirable masculine versus feminine attributes, you could likely come up with a dozen for each in just a couple of minutes.
On the surface, these lists may seem rather harmless. In truth, though, by accepting these stereotypes we narrow our thinking and limit our understanding and appreciation of individuals.
For men, we learn early on that being “one of the boys” gets you in, liked, and accepted, and anything else can get you excluded and targeted. As a boy, one of the surest ways you can get accepted by other boys is to tease or bully someone else. Being tough, angry, mean, and violent becomes our armor and defense from being excluded. Or worse, from having our own masculinity attacked and challenged.
This plays out in many different forms and settings as we grow into men—sports and teammates; girls and dating; confidence and popularity in social circles and on career paths. We are constantly choosing between our armor or our authenticity: How much of our true selves do we expose? Is it safe? How much will it cost us, in status or upper mobility?
This suppression of our true selves in the name of safety, security, and success comes at a high cost. It’s like we are split into two or more identities, the different roles we put on. This can make us physically sick, emotionally stunted, or socially isolated. Because we so often suppress and ignore our inner voice and inner truth, they become harder and harder to hear.
The Courageous Men I work with have discovered for themselves that this outdated version of masculinity is not working for them, their loved ones, or their life. They come looking for new and better answers for how to be themselves and a man, and for how to live their best life.
What they discover is a newfound freedom—permission given to themselves from themselves, to define masculinity in a way that fits who they are, and not the other way around. Or to maybe let go of the need to define it at all.
Take a look back at the lists of masculine and feminine attributes you conjured up a few minutes ago. Consider this—I think many of the best attributes often labeled as “feminine” would be beneficial to anybody. For example, traits like being nurturing, compassionate, and caring. Yet, too many boys and men see these traits first as “feminine,” so they purposefully distance themselves from them.
Likewise, many so-called “masculine” traits are about control, status, and domination. Often, they lack a sense of humanity or connection. No wonder so many men aren’t well.
One of the greatest ironies of all is that the men who are courageous enough to be true to themselves, and to express their true nature to the world, are the ones who get attacked and called weak, wimpy, and not enough. But the men who act tough and use power and violence to intimidate and control others, they are the ones really hiding, behind a cowardly mask of masculinity, afraid to be seen for who they really are.
Men shouldn’t need to choose between being kind or being seen as masculine.
In our Men’s Work and 1:1 Coaching for Courageous Men, we don’t choose. We are actively working on dismantling the false wall between masculinity and humanity. We are working to learn our blind spots and unconscious biases. We do our best to remain humble and accept feedback, knowing that we are working to break intergenerational patterns, so we are works-in-progress and operating in real-time.
As we heal and grow, we heal and grow our relationships and the world around us.
If you have questions or would like more information, please sign up for a complimentary Zoom Strategy Session to learn more, here.
As always, I love reading your comments and how you are connecting to in this post. And if you know someone who could benefit from this post, please share it with them!
Until next time,
Ray
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