You know those situations where things just don’t make sense and don’t quite add up? And you begin to question why things are done a particular way, or why there are certain rules and procedures, and the answer you get is straight out of a Bruce Hornsby song— “That’s just the way it is. Some things will never change.”
That can often be the sentiment around Men’s Work. It can feel easier, and frankly safer, to fall back on the unfair rules and practices created decades and centuries ago while pleading innocence, rather than facing the inequities those practices are perpetuating, and confronting our own complicity in their usage. We can shrug and proclaim, “Hey, we didn’t make the rules.” Because, if we were to truly acknowledge the inequities and then do nothing to change things, that would make it obvious how much we prefer to keep benefiting from the system. Then we would be accountable.
But that’s a reason why men don’t do this work. This can hopefully be a useful counterpoint to the men who do choose to do Men’s Work.
We’re all motivated by self-interest. But self-interest has different layers to it, and where we operate from can make all the difference.
To understand the benefits of Men’s Work is to consider it through deeper layers of self-interest like the self-worth born from integrity, caring, and connection, to the universal value in protecting human rights and equal justice.
Why do Men’s Work? To the man reading this and asking this very question.
You want to love your life and live your values. You strive to stand in integrity, and to support and protect those you love.
You’ve discovered that you can’t feel like the man you’ve longed to be, when you know the system is rigged, and you are at an advantage. How can you be proud of your accomplishments? How can you look yourself in the eye? There is a cost and a weight you must carry when you, consciously or not, have received advantage.
There’s also the realization that many of the loved ones you strive to support and protect are being hurt by the same system giving you your advantage. In our society, men are at the top. Still. This gives us advantages in all avenues of life over anyone else.
There’s also the violence and harassment that men perpetrate against others, transgressions our society has normalized. We know loved ones who have been injured by men. We also know some of the men perpetrating these acts of violence. When we do nothing, the hurt continues. More cost, more weight. The only way to support all these people is to promote change.
Perhaps you’ve taken up unhealthy behaviors to numb or distract you from the pain you’re feeling, all this extra weight on your conscience. There is wisdom to the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.” Sometimes we hurt ourselves. Sometimes we hurt others. Often, it’s both.
You want to break the cycle of pain and hurt. You know you only control yourself, so that’s where the work must start. Like all other things, it’s one day at a time.
Now the good news, Friend. I promise you there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. And this journey is not just a horrible slog from beginning to end, no matter how difficult it may sound.
Yes, there will be times when you’ll feel uncomfortable, for sure. Times when you will have to face some hard truths.
But you are stronger than you think. This is a road of healing and growth, and the only way through is to face your discomfort. These are the Borderlands. As you journey into discomfort, you will learn about yourself and build your self-trust and self-confidence.
Of course, the alternative is to do nothing. And if you change nothing, nothing will change. But that’s not exactly true. What’s likely to happen is that more loved ones will get hurt, that your pain will grow, and your emotional, mental, and physical health will worsen. Most of us have wounds that were inflicted by others, who themselves were wounded by others, and back and back. Isn’t it time we break these patterns?
You will find joy on this Journey of Discovery. You will find integrity, trust, respect, and love. Really, any and every value you honor awaits you on this road. This is your proving ground.
Which brings me back to the Bruce Hornsby song I began with. Do you remember what the response was to the line “That’s just the way it is”?
He sang, “Ah, but don’t you believe them.”
You can change the world by starting to change your world. I can help.
1:1 Coaching Sessions for Courageous Men–I currently have openings available, including in-person appointments in Hanover, NH. If you know you are ready to begin your Journey of Discovery, please contact me at: rdepaola@sunrisejourneys.com
To find out more about Men’s Work, you can schedule a free 20-minute Zoom Strategy Session to get your questions answered: Men’s Work Zoom Strategy Session
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