What kind of a man are you? What kind of a man do you want to be? And what kind of a man do you want others to see you as?
Do you want to be seen as a strong man? A powerful man? A real man?
Now, would it mean something different if you aspired to be a good man?
In an Outstanding Professor lecture in 2019, Professor Matt Englar-Carlson shared some of the answers he’s received in more than 20 years of research on this topic.
A real man was often described with traits including “powerful, aggressive, never cry, be strong, play through the pain, suck it up,” and this messaging usually came from a father or other male figure.
Conversely, qualities given to describe a good man are often “integrity, honor, responsibility, good provider, doing the right thing, putting others first.” Men ascribed these attributes as innate, rather than learned from a specific situation or person.
In theory, the choice might seem straight forward when articulated this way. In reality, though, we face a lot of pressure and influence from our society and the people around us about who we are expected to be—that we must be real men. Growing up, boys learn to call out other boys. Likewise, men continue to call out any man who goes against the code and speaks up against things like sexism, patriarchy, and men’s violence against women.
A lot of men get stuck in this contradiction, between being liked as a good man or revered and feared as a real man. Most men have felt this struggle.
The answer can be found by seeking a path through this seeming contradiction. Instead of embracing this scenario as either/or, understand that there are ways in which these two types of men align. After all, it takes a certain kind of strength and power to put others first, do the right thing, be responsible, and provide, all while being honorable and living in integrity.
Englar-Carlson states that “the examples for a good man are really that of a good person, which takes gender out of the equation.” Being a good human doesn’t have to be seen as a threat to our manhood. Yet, that’s the way our society currently equates things.
Returning to our path through, we find that it requires change. Openness. Compassion. Understanding. And courage. The courage to rise beyond the current beliefs, and the limitations those beliefs set upon us. As good, real men.
If you feel this struggle and have been searching for answers, this is the Men’s Work we are doing at Sunrise Journeys. Sign up for a free Strategy Session, and let’s have a conversation about how Men’s Work can help you escape the Man Box and move forward on your path!
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