As human beings, we are all wired for connection. We all have an innate need to feel seen and heard by others, to contribute, and to know we are part of a community.
For men, it has become an increasing challenge to meet this need for connection. There is an array of reasons why we are more isolated than ever before; but the bottom line is that the consequences for lonely men are significant, and dangerous.
One thing preventing men from connecting is the stigma around asking for help and getting support, or even just admitting that we’re lonely. Frankly, the outdated rules of masculinity and the Man Code are often the very barriers keeping us from being vulnerable and honest with other men, and from sharing what we’re thinking and feeling.
Think about it. How are you doing in terms of friendships? If you are like many adult men, you may have very few close friendships. In a 2021 survey by the Survey Center on American Life, the percentage of men with at least six close friends fell by half since 1990, from 55 percent to 27 percent. And the percentage of men with no close friends quintupled, jumping from 3 percent all the way to 15 percent. That means one out of every seven men believes he has no close friends.
Being authentic, vulnerable, and emotionally available are key components to building and maintaining healthy relationships—and are traditionally seen as weaknesses and described as feminine or gay; quite the opposite of traditional masculinity.
So, here we are, many men feeling alone and needing connection, and the last thing it feels safe to do with another guy is to share about this. Which leaves us with a bunch of men yearning for friendship but acting too tough to admit it.
Perhaps one of the most ironic pieces of this is the amount of courage it actually takes for a guy to open up and share about this. The Man Code calls this out as weakness; but really, the man who dares to share his vulnerability and talk about how he’s feeling and what he needs—that guy is courageous, and a leader.
Loneliness and lack of emotional connection and support is doing real harm to individuals, and it has a widening impact on the relationships in our homes, communities, and workplaces. More men are suffering from poor physical, mental, and emotional health; men’s violence toward women, children, and others continues to increase; more men are divorced or never married; more are unemployed and have fallen out of the workforce; and men’s rates of death from alcohol, drugs, suicide, and violence continue to alarm.
Now, here’s what I’ve learned as a coach and, more importantly, as a guy. The remedy may sound easy but breaking the Man Code and being the first one to speak up and share something vulnerable is.not.easy.
Because the guys you know will likely react the way we’ve been trained to react. The way you would normally react, and probably reacted last week. Or last night.
When we get uncomfortable around vulnerability and emotions, we quickly tease and ridicule to shut it down. Or we ourselves shut down and try to ignore it. Or some other version where it is made clear to the one being vulnerable that it’s not okay.
This is why the coaching work we do here is called Coaching for Courageous Men. You could just retreat back into the silence and zero emotional exchanges. But how does that serve you? And how about your guy friends?
If you are a guy who feels lonely, who maybe has other guys you hang out with, yet you still long for stronger and more meaningful relationships with them; coaching can be the way you solidify the importance of strengthening these relationships, you practice the language for cultivating them, and you build your resolve for leading your circle of men in their creation.Do it for yourself and your friends. We need you!
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